60 resolutions a minute
by FalconMage
Summary: An asian humour story. It's really funny if you really understand what is happening. R&R whoever comes across this story. Might not be humourous to some.
1. Chapter 1

**FOREWORD**

This story, aka, humour is just a story I got from a book in 1986. Some of the content has been change. This story is actually most suitable for some asian people cause there are some words which are foreign to some. Words in bracket are the true meaning in English. I hope it's ok.

And one more thing, the names of the character are food names in Malaysia. Sorry if some couldn't understand what are they but enjoy.

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"HI SAG," said Chendol. "Nice to see you after such a long time,"

"What do you mean, 'long time'?" Sag said.

"It's been more than one year since the last time I saw you," said Chendol pulling up a stool.

"What are you talking about?" Sag said. "I saw you only last week."

"Yah, that's right," said Chendol. "But last week was 2006, today is 2007 already. Therefore since I last see you it is one year. Get it?"

Sag sighed. "Ay Chendol bladdy idyat," he said.

"That is a lousy stale joke and I been hearing it for two hundred years already."

"Yah, but you are so stupid that you _kena_(get) caught by it again."

"I didn't think that you would be stupid enough to get trapped by it," said Chendol.

"Okay, so you are stupid, I am stupid, are you satisfied?"

"Ay, shut up lah you two fellas," said Goyang. "This is the new year already. If you start it by talking stupid things, then all the year you will be saying stupid things."

"Who told you that?" Chendol demanded.

"Your sister," said Goyang.

"I don't have sister!" said Chendol triumphantly.

"Okay, then your grandfather."

"My grandfather died long time ago!"

"Ah shut up lah, you whole life talk damn stupid. When you were born, your mother look at your face and regret."

"Okay, cut it out!" said Hutch. "What's the matter with you fellas? You grow older but no wiser."

"Hutch is right," said Mayfair. "We better do some thing about ourselves."

"What do you mean?" Ketupat said.

"We are always sitting here at this _makan_(eating) stall drinking coffee and talking and talking and drinking coffee. Or we are playing football. But how long can we go on doing this?"

"As long as the _makan_(eating) stall is here," said Piring.

"Ay you shut up lah, small boy!" said Mayfair.

"You're always interrupting with nonsense."

"One day," said Hutch. "We are going to get older. Get married and all that. Children and all that. Can we go on sitting here every night like this?"

"I am not going to get married," said Ketupat. "Too much trouble. I hate children. Damn noisy. Always ask money. Always cry. Always make trouble. Cannot climb bus properly. Enter cinema and make noise because they want to go home. Fail exams…."

"You are such a pessimist," said Sag. "If everybody think like you, the world sure to lose the human race."

"Why are all of you so boring?" said the ice-water girl.

"Other people celebrate New Year but you all make it so sad."

"Other people celebrate New Year because they don't have YOU around," said Sag.

"Don't _kachor_(disturb) her," said Goyang. "She's right."

"Sure she's right," said Chendol. "You are tackling her that's why she is right. Your type of people is the worst type. The moment you get a girlfriend, you forget your old friends. Why?"

"Because I can hold hand with her and I cannot hold hand with you," said Goyang. "Are you satisfied now?"

"Traitor!"

"Yes, so what?"

"What we need," said Sag, "is some good resolutions."

"What do we need revolutions for?" said Chendol.

"I said RESOLUTIONS!" Sag said.

"What's that?"


	2. Chapter 2

I hope readers reading this story, aka, humour can understand. Well, here's the next one.

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"It means that you say to yourself: 'One more year is now beginning. I don't want to make all the mistakes I made last year. So this year I make a resolution that I will not do this or that etcetera..'."

"What's the use of making resolutions? They are so easy to break," said Goyang.

"Yah, but some people feel happier making them." Said Sag.

"Gumok should make a resolution not to eat so much," said Piring.

"You should make a resolution not to talk so much,"said Mayfair.

"You should make a resolution not to act tough and act like a _masalleh_(white man)," said Piring.

"Here we go again," said Hutch sadly. "Quarrelling."

"I will make a resolution that next time I get the ball, I will pass it to Chendol," said Pistol.

"You should make a resolution NOT to pass it to him," said Goyang. "He always miss."

"You all should write down your resolutions," said Mayfair.

"Why, what for?" Goyang asked him.

"Because in a week or two you will forget all about it. If it is written down, at least you can look at it and be reminded to carry on."

"Okay. Let's get it written down," said Hutch. "Kitchi Boy, you got a pen and paper? NO? What kind of writer are you? Here, Piring take this money and get some paper and a pen."

Gumok arrived.

"What's happening?" he said

Mayfair told him.

"Good idea," he said. "I will make a resolution to spend more time with the football problem a bit."

"Our football is not a problem," said Goyang. "Your weight is a problem. You should make an effort to bring it down."

"This resolution business is no use," said Chendol. "You make a resolution to correct something which is bad in you. But most people don't know the bad things about themselves. So their friends should tell them the bad things about themselves and then suggest the resolutions. Like for example, I can tell Gumok that his most important resolution is DON'T EAT LIKE A PIG."

"Thanks," said Gumok.

"Sounds like a good idea," said Hutch. "Let's start making resolutions for each other. Kitchi Boy, start writing. Who wants to start making resolutions?"

"ME!" said Piring. "I resolute that……"

"There's no such word," said Mayfair.

"I don't care," said Piring. "I resolute that Mayfair stop fighting with me and that he don't talk like a _masalleh_(white man) any more and that he better not think that just because he came back from England he is damn big."

"Oh come on!" said Mayfair angrily. "That's a bit too much. I mean, about the accent and all that. I can't help it; I spent quite some time in England and this sort of thins always happens. It's changing though. And I can't help fighting with Piring. He starts it all the time."

"You see what I mean," said Chendol. "I told you all hat people never admit the things which are wrong with them."

"But if it bothers Piring, and it bothers you all," said Mayfair, "I'll stop fighting with the small boy. And I'll try to soften my accent. But it won't be easy."

"okay Kitchi Boy, you heard the man," said Hutch. "Write if all down and make Mayfair sign it. What's the next resolution?"

"Gumok must stop eating so much," said Piring.

"Ay shut up lah," said Gumok. "You already made one resolution so why are you making another one. Give someone else a chance."

"I make a resolution that Gumok stop eating so much," said Chendol.

Gumok sighed.

"You two brothers _pakat_(join up)," he said to Piring and Chendol. "I don't think you should worry about how much I eat. Am I hurting you in any way by eating a lot?"

"You are hurting yourself," said Chendol. "One day you sure get heart attack or high blood pressure. Also by eating so much, you are eating food which someone else may be eating in some other country."

"I think your resolution is stupid," said Gumok. "But if that's the way you want it, okay."

"Right, sign the seolution," said Hutch. "What's next?"


	3. Chapter 3

"I make a resolution that Piring stop being such a dirty, crooked little businessman," said GUmok. "He is giving all of us a bad name."

"Right. I agree," said Mayfair instantly.

"What's wrong with making business?" Piring demanded to know.

"Make businesses with other people never mind," said Gumok, "But you try and make money out of US, that's different. Especially trying to sell is our own drinks at high prices."

"I thought you all wanted professional football," said Piring.

"You just don't argue. And I make a resolution that Piring don't argue because he is just a small fry and one day he sure _ken_a(get) slap from me."

"You are fed up because I tell you to stop eating," said Piring.

"NO," said Gumok. "I don't like your vulture attitude. The other day at a New Year party, I saw you going around the food table collecting curry puff and jelly and all that and putting it inside a paper bag to take home. What kind of low-down mentality is that? What will the party organizer think of you? I bet you went and sold the curry puffs to the bread man."

"I saw what Piring was doing," said Sag. "It was a damn big paper bag and he nearly emptied half the table."

"And I'll tell you what he did with all the food," said Chendol. "He organized his own party and called all his small fry friends together. Wah, they all thought he was one kind of fnatas party goer type."

"Here, small fry," said Hutch pushing the resolution sheet at Piring. "Sign. You know how to write your name or not?"

"I make a resolution that all of us leave the _makan stall _(eating stall) early every night," said Ketupat. "We are spending too much time here nowadays and we should be all home doing other things."

"Like what?" Sag asked him.

"Donno," said Ketupat.

"Then what's the point of going home?"

"Donno"

"Then why make such a stupid resolution?"

"Donno"

"I think Ketupat is right," said Goyang, "Even if we don't have anything to do at home, it is better that we go home. Then we are sure to find something to do after a while."

"Something like what?" Sag said.

"Donno" said Goyang.

"You are dead loss," said Sag. "I make a resolution that Ketupat and Goyang stop being such a dead loss."

"What kind of resolution is that?" Gumok said. "Let's be sensible. I think this resolution business is a good idea so don't let's spoil it. And I think Ketupat is right. We should all go home early."

"Look, this is all getting very stupid," Said Mayfair. "Are you all serious about it?"

"I make a resolution that we start a netball team," said Pistol.

"Look, this is getting out of control." said Gumok.

"Are you fellows serious or not? If you are not, say so and I will tear up this resolution agreement."

"Ya lah, tear it up," said Piring. "All of us must make resolutions for everybody otherwise very unfair because Gumok, me and Mayfair _kena_ (get) all the time."

"I make a resolution that we don't tear the resolution agreement," said Goyang.

"I'll keep the resolutions with me," said Sag.

"Okay," said Ketupat.

"Where's the paper?"

"Donno,"

"You just had it a minute ago!"

"Yah, but donno where it went."

"I think the wind blow it away," said Ketupat.

"I think Piring stole it," said Mayfair.

"Let's look for it," said Pistol.

"I can see it," said Piring. "It's gone onto the longkang (drain),"


	4. Chapter 4

"Get it," said Gumok.

"Eee, don't want," said Piring. "Dirty drain. Got all kinds of dirty water and people spit _sireh _make everything red and smelly…."

"Okay. Let's forget it," said Sag.

"Yeah, let's forget it," said Mayfair.

"Yah, best thing is to forget it," said Goyang.

"So what do we do now? Go home?" Sag said.

Everybody thought about it.

"Still a bit early," Goyang said. "Maybe in half an hour or so we can all go home."

"Meanwhile, what we going to do?" Chendol wanted to know.

"Have a coffee," Ketupat said.

"Good idea," Pistol said.

"Maybe a _curry puff_ also," Mayfair suggested.

"Maybe," Gumok said, "I'll have a _laksa_. And maybe also some _mee rebus_. The _satay _today looks quite good….Sag, will you share the _tahu goreng _with me….?"

**END…….**

**Those with ****are actually Malaysian foods if you are wondering.**

**It's really hard for me to explain unless readers check what izit in the net.**


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